Sunday, April 08, 2007

Vanity Fair/War of the Rosie (Act Two) OMG

War of the Rosie (Act Two) It's touching,
seeing conservative bloggers finally find a cause they can believe
in, something that moves them to dust themselves off and seize the
diem. It's like watching a toddler take its first steps before it
learns to march in the May Day parade under the red flag. Organized
protest, that's something more ingrained in the damaged chromosomes
of armpit peacenik hippies; for theo- and neocons, it's an acquired
trait. Take the American Digester. The Digester joined the antiwar
movement in 1965, that didn't turn out swell, so for forty two years
he's been manning the recliner, awaiting his nation's call. And now
that call has been sent and received. He will join Michelle Malkin's
crusade to de-Rosie'fy The View. "I do believe that the effort to
yank Rosie O'Donnell off The View by going around the vapid and
hapless Barbara Walters and her cynical producers is worth the
effort." Stirring words, and to illustrate those
stirring words he directs us to Malkin's how-to video on which
products to spurn on your next Stepford Wife trip through the
shopping aisles of capitalism. I shall restrain myself from
commenting on the production values of this video, the dinky-dorky
music, and the deficiency of what the Cahiers de Cinema critics used
to refer to as the mise en scene, but I can't help remarking that at
1:48 in the video Malkin spits an M & M at her computer screen and
later spits into her backyard dumpster after she's disposed of a
bagful of boycotted items. It's really not very attractive seeing a
grown woman, a mother no less, hocking like a sailor on leave, or Sid
Vicious expending surplus drool. This video ought to carry an
etiquette advisory label so that children, who are America's future
after all, don't go around projecting saliva just because they saw
some blog lady do so.
I confess that there are times when I consider boycotting The View,
usually after the show's resident Republican Elizabeth Hasselbeck has
made one of her moronic mynah bird remarks. Even if I were so
inclined, however, there would be difficulties getting my displeasure
across to advertisers. Webutante, dipping her pedicured toes into the
turbulent waters of protest, conveniently provides a partial list of
sponsors on the don't-shop list:
All Detergent (Unilever)
BAM Power Cleaner ( Reckitt Benckiser)
Best Foods Mayonnaise

Bush's Baked Beans

Claritin-D (Schering-Plough)


Disney's "Meet the Robinsons"
Dove Ice Cream

Excedrin (Novartis)
Head & Shoulders Shampoo
Honey Bunches of Oats

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
Janome Sewing Machines

Loestrin 24

Pepto Bismol (P&G)

Pier 1 Imports

Pillsbury Toaster Strudel
Reach One Ultimate
Stainmaster Carpet

Stanley Steemer

T. J. Maxx
Tide Laundry Detergent
Intensive Rescue Body Lotion


Ah, well, you see the problem. It's one thing to boycott a large
stationary target, such as Wal-Mart, apartheid South Africa, or non-
union grapes. But to keep tabs on this many products and advertisers,
some of whom rotate in and out of the show depending on ratings
periods, it's simply too much bother for the average consumer.
Carrying a shopping list and a boycott list could easily lead to
confusion. Moreover, there are items here many consumers will be
unwilling to forgo. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, I can do
without. But what about those upset tummies for whom Pepto Bismol is
pink balm? Insomniacs swear by Excedrin PM. Forsaking Head &
Shoulders might invite a new crop of flaky dandruff to take up
residence, and no one wants that. Getting through the blogging day
without a fistful of M & Ms--unthinkable. And it'll be a cold morn in
the fascist imperiuum before I let anyone pry Dove's "Give in to
Mint" ice cream from our freezer.
If President Bush didn't require any genuine sacrifice from
Americans after 9/11, it's too late to ask us to give up our favorite
sweets now, over five years later. I'm afraid the Rosie detractors
are going to have to find another way to register their displeasure.

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